


On Cacti, Adult Braces, and Sunshine.

by yukiawison



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Connor with braces, Evan loves succulents, F/F, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Suicide Attempt Mention, greenhouse au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-19 18:26:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11319090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yukiawison/pseuds/yukiawison
Summary: Evan has more succulents than friends and Connor tries very hard not to kill a cactus.





	1. The Greenhouse

It was raining, he had a hangover, and he hadn't bothered to change out of his sweatpants and paint stained hoodie. It wasn't a good day to go to the greenhouse but he owed Zoe a favor and he'd put it off too long anyway. She was out of town on a trip with the university debate team and she'd asked him to buy her a couple of tomato plants for Alana's birthday surprise. Her girlfriend Alana had always wanted a garden and now that they had their own place Zoe was going to surprise her with one while she was doing her semester abroad. She'd be back just in time for the surprise. 

Connor had been tasked with the purchase of said plants because the greenhouse was having a sale. Connor wasn't a plant person. He'd killed a bean plant in third grade and the garden he and Zoe had as kids was always overrun with weeds. Nevertheless, he pulled his hoodie over his head and went out into the rain. 

"Hi, welcome to Sun's Greenhouse how can I help you?" Connor's eyes were trained on his phone, double checking to make sure Zoe hadn't specified some weird type of tomatoes. 

"Hey," he said, looking up at the boy in front of him. He promptly froze because said boy was ridiculously cute. His light colored, vaguely mussed hair and freckles greeted him inquisitively. He had a blue polo beneath his green apron and a planter full of flowers in his hands. "Oh, um...shit. I'm looking for some tomato plants." He was hyperaware of the fact that he was soaking wet and in his sweats. 

"Oh! For the sale." Flower boy grinned. "Right over here."

Connor followed him to a corner of the greenhouse. "They've been p-pretty p-popular lately," he continued. Connor noticed his slight stutter and glanced at the tomato plants he was pointing to. He opened his phone and snapped a few photos to send to Zoe for confirmation. 

"Thanks," Connor said, giving Flower Boy a half smile, no teeth. 

"Are they a gift?" He asked, brow furrowing. 

"Oh, we'll sort of. My sister is going to surprise her girlfriend with a vegetable garden and she asked me to pick up the tomatoes for her. I don't really know what I'm doing."

"That's so sweet," Flower Boy replied. "I'm Evan. It's n-nice to meet you."

"I'm Connor," he said.

"Connor," Evan repeated. He smiled again and Connor was extremely gay. "Can I h-help you with anything else?"

"I...uh." He wished he could recall anything about plants but instead continued muttering like an idiot. "Um, well I don't have any um...any houseplants you know? Do you have any recommendations?"

"Yeah!" He looked so excited Connor's chest felt warm and the water in his shoes didn't feel nearly as uncomfortable. "I can show you some succulents if you want? I love them. They're really easy to maintain and look really nice. I've got so many in my apartment my roommate sat me down for an intervention."

There were worse interventions but Connor laughed. "Okay. I'd love that thanks."

Evan led him to the succulents, making small talk on the way. "It's r-really coming down out there huh?"

"Yeah, I got kinda drenched." He smoothed the hair out of his face "It hasn't been the best day but it's getting better now."

"Good," Evan said. "I'm glad. So what do you think? You seem like a cactus guy to me."

Connor laughed again. Flower Boy was good at making him laugh. "Sure, that's one way to say it." He looked around at the tiny cacti and other purple, green, and bluish plants. They looked friendly, even oddly calming. No wonder Evan collected them. "I'll take this one," he said, picking up a cute cactus to his left. 

"Good choice!" He exclaimed. Connor swore this boy spoke like the human embodiment of sunshine. "I'm checking you out. I mean I uh I can c-check you out at the r-register." 

"Yeah." Connor watched Evan's face go pink. Connor bought two tomato plants and the cactus which Evan helped him carry to his car. 

"Thanks Evan. It was nice to meet you."

"Likewise," Evan said. His eyes were squinty and his nose was scrunched in the sunlight. 

"Hey...um." Murphy just spit it out you're being stupid. "I may be way off base here and you can stop me if I am but do you think I could get your number?"

Evan's eyes widened. 

"In case I have any cactus questions you know?"

"Right! Yeah of c-course." Connor handed over his phone and watched as Evan typed out his number with nervous hands.

"Thanks. See you around Evan."

"Bye Connor."  
***  
Evan Hansen noted that the weather the rest of the week was much better. Whenever he had free time he pulled his phone out of his apron pocket and looked at the lone message from Connor Murphy: Hey Evan, it's the clueless cactus boy from the greenhouse. - Connor Murphy 

He'd texted back a smiley face but nothing more in the three days since Connor had come for the tomato plants. Okay, so maybe he thought he was kind of cute. It wasn't a big deal. Cute boys game into the greenhouse all the time: soft, hipster types who were pretending to be more enthusiastic than they actually were about starting an organic garden. Connor wasn't like that though. His long hair and hoodie gave off a rougher vibe. He couldn't be sure when he was wearing sweatpants and a tired expression but Evan guessed he was more punk than hipster. That's why he'd suggested the cactus. Connor Murphy seemed prickly in the same way, though underneath of course a cactus was still a plant. And Evan loved plants. 

He'd gotten this job to make some extra cash during the slower parts of the school year. Now his sophomore year was nearly done and he'd been steadily picking up shifts as summer vacation neared. It was a good place for an environmental science major, and the brunt of the social interaction concerned gardening which Evan was more than comfortable discussing. 

He hoped Connor would come back. Every time a new customer came in the door he looked up, poised for it to be him. He gave Jared this look when he entered the greenhouse. 

"Why are you looking at me like that Ev? You forgot your lunch." Jared held up a paper bag with Evan's name on it. "I thought I'd run it by before my next class."

"Thanks," he replied, taking the bag. "I thought you might be someone else."

Jared grinned slyly. "Who? Emo cactus boy? You think he's gonna come back to flirt some more?"

Evan flushed and shook his head thoroughly. "He wasn't flirting. He just said he might have plant questions."

"Oh, okay," Jared said, unconvinced. He picked up a pot of flowers and sniffed them absently. "Plant questions, sure. It's always best to consult an expert and not Google. Can't leave anything to chance y'know."

"Go to class Jared," he said. "Thanks for my lunch."

"No problemo mi amigo," he replied, accent heinous despite his Spanish minor. 

Connor Murphy walked in 10 minutes later. He looked different this time: different hoodie (despite the heat of the day), black skinny jeans, combat boots, and long hair tied into a bun. Evan had been right, he noticed as Connor's black painted nails came into view: he wasn't a hipster. 

"Hi Evan," he said when Evan conveniently made his way to where he was standing. "How are you?"

"I'm good," he replied. "My r-roommate brought me m-my lunch." He held up the bag in explanation and narrowly avoided cringing at the way his words stumbled. 

"Oh," Connor said. It might've been his imagination but Connor sounded kind of disappointed. "I was going to ask if you wanted to grab some food with me on your lunch break. I can try another day."

"No!" Evan sputtered too quickly and much too loudly. "I mean, I could do that. My lunch is just an apple and some crackers anyway."

"That's no lunch for a human being."

"Well I'm not much of a human being," Evan replied, momentarily considering that his brand of mildly self deprecating humor might be off putting. 

Instead Connor Murphy laughed and for the first time since he'd met him he got a good look at his mouth. Even when Connor smiled he'd keep his lips closed. But now, unguarded, he could see Connor's braces full view. He had dark blue rubber bands on them and when he caught Evan staring he quickly closed his mouth. 

"Your braces are really cute," he said dumbly and then realized how ridiculous and gay that sounded. "Sorry," he amended. 

"I hate them," he muttered. "I should've gotten them years ago but when I was a kid I threw fits every time I went to the dentist. My parents didn't want to risk a lawsuit if I bit someone's arm off. When I got older I got sick of my crooked ass teeth. They don't really fit with my aesthetic," he said, gesturing to the rest of his outfit. "I think they make me look 12."

"Well I'd love to have lunch with you. My break is in 15 minutes."

"I can wait." He smiled again, braces visible. 

Evan tried very hard not to completely panic in those 15 minutes. He went back to his usual task of watering the flowers and organizing the seed packets beside the register. Connor wandered about, inspecting the succulents and eyeing the vegetables he'd neglected on his previous visit. Evan went into the back room to take off his apron and clock out. He stopped by the bathroom and splashed some water in his face, staring back at his nervous, freckled expression. He smoothed the wrinkles of his shirt (today a green t-shirt advertising his high school's environmental protection club, of which he'd been urged into the vice presidency for,) and went out to meet Connor Murphy. 

"I spotted some food trucks nearby. We could walk to one of them if you want? I figured it would be kinda creepy to drive you somewhere considering we've only just met," Connor said as he held open the door for him. "You in the mood for tacos?"

Evan nodded. The Mexican food truck down the street had good pineapple soda. 

While they stood in line Connor turned to him purposefully. "So, I didn't come just to buy you lunch. I actually have several cactus questions."

"Of course!" Evan mentally noted that Connor had implied he'd be paying for Evan's food and briefly considered what that meant about the nature of this interaction. 

"I think I'm killing Harold...that's what I named him." He pulled his phone out of his pocket and handed over a picture of a cactus that was beginning to rot at the base, causing the whole plant to tilt slightly.

"Oh no," Evan muttered, examining the dying plant sympathetically. "You need to make sure to k-keep him in the s-sunlight and only water him when the top of the soil is completely dry. You want to make sure the water has a place to drain off so he isn't sitting in it. It's m-my fault I should have t-told you that before."

"No it's not. I'm just a lazy piece of shit who could've googled it but didn't." Connor smiled again and Evan was thankful he no longer seemed so insecure about the braces. 

When they got to the front of the line Connor ordered tacos and Evan ordered the chicken quesadillas and a pineapple soda (which prompted Connor to add a pineapple soda for himself as well.) Connor paid and Evan thanked him profusely. He chalked it up to pay back for the cactus advice, to which Evan said he would've given him it for free. They sat on the curb to eat. Evan took small sips of his soda so he wouldn't choke and embarrass himself. 

"So what do you do when you aren't working Evan? Wait first of all what's your last name?"

"Hansen," he replied. 

"Evan Hansen," Connor Murphy repeated. 

"I'm a student at the university. I'm studying environmental science."

"That sounds rad Hansen," Connor replied. "I'm an architecture major. Are you a sophomore too?"

"Yeah." It was unnerving to think that in a few weeks he'd be a junior. As for what came after college Evan had only vague and panic outlined ideas. 

Connor took a bite of his taco and a good portion of its contents slipped out. "Fuck, this always happens."

Evan laughed. "Thanks again. I was w-worried you w-weren't going to show up again."

"Are you kidding? I mean I didn't try to kill Harold but if I hadn't I would've made up some excuse to come back and see you."

Evan's ears felt hot. 

"And I'm glad you said the thing about the braces," he muttered. "I thought they might be a deal breaker."

"Have they been before?" He asked, taken aback. 

"I mean, I've been making out with guys at clubs and they'll freak out when the metal pokes them or whatever. And some people automatically assume I'm 13 or something."

"Oh," Evan said stupidly "That's shitty." He wondered if he should admit that he'd never set foot in a club or kissed, let alone made out with anyone. 

Connor shrugged "It's my own damn fault for not getting them when I was a kid like a normal person."

There were a lot of things normal people did that Evan missed out on growing up. He never went to amusement parks (though his mom suggested) or school field trips to the zoo because the crowds made his skin crawl and brain shut down. He hadn't gotten his driver's license because he was afraid of other drivers honking at him and it had taken him enough time to acclimate to the city bus anyway. He'd never had a boy like Connor Murphy buy him lunch before. There were a lot of things Evan knew he'd be able to do if he was just a normal kid. 

"It's still shitty," he said instead. 

Connor looked at him. "Yeah, it still is."

When they were finished eating and Evan's lunch break was drawing to a close they walked back to the greenhouse. 

"Thanks for your help," Connor said. "And for eating with me."

"It's n-no problem. I should be thanking y-you."

Connor shielded the sun from his eyes with a nail polished hand and squinted at him. "I'll call you," he said. "Or you can call me. If you want I mean. If you want me to just leave you alone that's okay too but you should probably tell me now so I don't get my hopes up."

"You should c-call me. Or I'll call y-you." Evan smiled, though it probably looked weird given the fact that he was so desperately trying to keep it from looking weird. "I'll see you later Connor."

"Bye Evan Hansen."  
***  
Connor laid back on his bedspread after aiming the three plug in fans he had in his bedroom at it. He was only half clothed (running shorts and one sock he was too tired to pull off his foot) but the AC in his and Zoe's house was broken and the overbearing heat made everything seem slower and impossibly sluggish. He doubted he could sit up at this moment even if he wanted to. Instead of trying he pulled out his phone and scrolled through his messages with Evan. They'd been texting back and forth for a week and a half now, several nights until 2 am. 

It was just stupid stuff: questions back and forth, pictures of Harold the cactus, memes he thought would make him laugh. Evan Hansen was funny when he wanted to be and really sweet. He was about to text him again but his eyes were tired and he thought it might be better to just call. He sucked in a nervous breath. He hadn't really called. He was kind of stalling. Calling meant asking Evan out on a real date at some point. And Connor wasn't sure he could handle that. He was good at letting good things go to shit. 

"H-hey Connor," Evan said when he picked up. He sounded nervous too.

"Hey Ev. It is so hot in my house I think my face is melting."

"Oh, no what happened?" The surprise and nervousness quickly subsided as Evan transitioned into their normal back and forth. 

"My AC's out. I've got every fan in the house pointed at me. When my sister gets home she's going to be pissed."

"What does your sister study?" He'd told him a little about Zoe before.

"Psychology. She says she wants to help kids like the little angsty screw up that was me. I'm proud of her."

"I'm sure you weren't a screw up Connor." There he went again, saying sweet stuff. 

"What are you doing right now?" He asked, fumbling with the ties on his shorts. 

"Don't laugh."

"Why would I laugh?"

"I'm knitting my roommate a scarf."

"It's 90 degrees outside!"

"His birthday's in October. It takes me a long time to make scarves so I start them early. I used to get really anxious about messing up my stitches every knitting project and I'd try too hard to concentrate and not have any fun. Now I just make sure to go slowly and be patient with myself. I'm s-sorry that sounds like some dumb kid's show message."

"No, I like it. That's a good way to think about it Ev. It's a good way to think about most things."

There was a pause, not an uncomfortable one, a friendly pause in which Connor tried to picture what Evan looked like knitting. 

"Hey, so I know we don't know each other that well but I wanted to ask if you'd want to come to my sister's girlfriend's birthday/welcome home party this Saturday. It's pretty low key, just some of our friends. We're going to barbecue and have cake and stuff. She's the one I bought the tomato plants for. And the AC should be fixed by then don't worry." He realized he'd been talking for too long and stopped.

"I'd love to Connor. I have all Saturday off anyway."

"Great! Um, if you give me your address I can pick you up early and we can hang out a little. That is if you don't mind coming to the grocery store with me and putting streamers up in my living room."

"I don't m-mind. Just let me know when."

"Okay I'll text you. Thanks a lot Ev. I'm excited." He was probably coming off as too eager but he didn't care. 

"Me too. Bye Connor."

"Bye Evan."  
***  
Evan liked that Connor Murphy said what he was feeling, or at least he seemed to. He could also definitely be a good liar but Evan hoped not. 

Evan wasn't great at reading people. Social cues sometimes felt lost in translation and he'd never been great at detecting eye roles and inside jokes. When Connor Murphy was excited to see him he told him so. 

He also liked that Connor called him by a nickname already. He'd asked if it was okay via text, which he'd also appreciated. He liked the way everything Connor did seemed warm. It seemed to him that he didn't look on the inside like he did on the outside. But then again Evan had only known him a couple of weeks. 

Connor pulled up at Evan's house at 4:30. He made sure to answer the door before Jared could get to it. He smiled wide, God the braces were cute, and asked him how he was. 

"G-good. I'm really good th-thanks."

He was wearing a black Hawaiian shirt with pink flowers and teal leaves. It was just tacky enough to be cute. Evan stopped staring at the shirt and back up at his eyes. 

"Can I see your succulent collection?"

"Absolutely, come in." Connor Murphy said all the right things. 

He led him to his room carefully, praying it wasn't a terrible mess when he opened the door to reveal the neat row of succulents on the window sill and on the shelf he'd installed above it. They'd started spilling into other places in his room like his desk and end table. He had 13 so far. 

"Wow." Evan noticed nervously that Connor was inspecting his room first: from his pastel pink sheets to the Ansel Adams tree photo on his wall. "That's a lot of nice looking plants." It sounded like something Jared would say sarcastically but Connor sounded sincere. 

"Th-thanks."

"I like your room."

"Thanks," he repeated. "Should we go?"

Connor nodded. "Zoe gave me a list: veggie dogs and burgers, paper products, streamers, balloons, ice cream sandwiches." He waggled an eyebrow. "The usual."

The grocery store had never been fun before. He always managed to get lost or drop something or stutter ridiculously at the checkout. It was fun this time. Connor enumerated a stupidly long list of pros and cons for each brand of veggie dog and raced him down the chip aisle. He tried to guess Evan's favorite cereal (apple cinnamon Cheerios, he got it on the 5th try.) When they pulled up to Connor's house Evan had almost forgotten why he was so nervous in the first place...almost. 

He helped Connor carry the bags inside and into the kitchen. The house was bright and clean in a way that hinted at piles of clutter stuffed in closets. 

"Hey Con! Did you bring the cute greenhouse boy?" Who he presumed was Zoe Murphy waltzed into the kitchen and smiled excitedly at him. They had the same dark hair that fell untamed around their shoulders and arching brows that made them look like they had secrets. Evan Hansen was very bi. 

"You did!"

"Zoe," Connor hissed. 

"I'm Zoe Murphy. It's nice to meet you. 

"Evan Hansen, n-nice to meet you t-too," he replied. 

"Thanks for helping my doofus brother. He saves everything until the last minute. Do you wanna see some pictures of little Connor?"

"Zoe!" His voice leapt up an octave and Evan stifled a laugh. 

"Sure."

"No, not sure!" Zoe winked and grabbed Evan by the hand. 

She handed him a photo album full of tiny Connor Murphy in a variety of dance outfits. 

"He was quite the little tap prodigy," she laughed. "Oh god look at how dorky he looks." She pointed to a photo of Connor in a red sequined vest. Evan couldn't stop smiling. 

"He's adorable," he replied. 

She handed him another album. "This one's from middle school. You look through it while I check on the balloon situation." She darted out of the room. 

It took Evan a moment to pick out middle school Connor Murphy. He was shorter, acne ridden, and scowled in nearly every photo. He was also considerably chubbier and quite without the sequins. 

"Et tu Brutus?" Evan looked up at Connor smirking in the doorway. "We've known each other, what? Two weeks? And you've got all the embarrassing snapshots of my youth."

"In my defense you were a really cute kid," he blurted. Connor took a seat beside him and grimaced at the photo of him and Zoe at what appeared to be her birthday party. 

"I was the chubby kid with acne in middle school, the scary loner kid—not so chubby but just as ostracized—in high school, and Mr. Adult Braces now in college." He eyed Evan, maybe trying to gauge his reaction. "The acne never really went away."

"Well I was the kid who talked so little people thought he was mute in middle school, the plant nerd with no friends in high school, and I don't know what in college: maybe I'm just nothing." It was supposed to be a joke but it came out harsher now. 

"Well you're certainly not nothing," Connor said. His expression was sad and sincere. 

"And you were really cute."

Connor laughed. "Pre-glow up, I'm sure you're in the minority who share that opinion. Though I suppose technically I'm still in the process of glowing up." Connor stared at him for a second and Evan stared back. 

"I'm gonna heat up the grill for later. Do you wanna help me with streamers after?"

"Sure," he replied, setting down the photo album. "I think I can handle that."

He watched Connor stretch to tape rainbow streamers to the ceiling and ran out of breath blowing up balloons with him and his sister. He threw out a few song ideas for the playlist (to which both Murphys had enthusiastic responses), and he sampled one of Zoe's world famous Oreo cake balls. By the time the party was set to start he felt like he'd known the Murphy siblings for years. 

Connor told him it wasn't a huge ordeal: just a few of his, Zoe, and Alana's friends and more food than was likely necessary. Zoe had to pick her up from the airport and bring her back for the surprise. 

Connor pulled him behind the couch when it was time to hide and they crouched down close together. "Thanks for coming," he muttered shortly before they all shouted surprise.

"Thanks for inviting me."

Alana was nice. She was thrilled at the garden and the party but most of all she was thrilled to have Zoe Murphy beside her. He didn't think she let go of her hand once the entire night. 

Connor wasn't bad at grilling. He looked out of place in his black wardrobe and skinny jeans, hovering over the veggie burgers like a suburban dad. 

Evan had a veggie dog, two of the cake balls, and split an ice cream sandwich with Connor. He was just starting to get sleepy watching Connor flip the next batch of burgers when Zoe came over. 

"Phone for you," she said to her brother. "It's dad." Connor's carefree expression clouded. 

"Sorry Ev, could you keep an eye on these for a second?"

"Sure." Connor took the phone and nodded at him with a weak smile before ducking back inside the house. 

"Everything okay?" He asked Zoe. 

She laughed nervously. "They don't get along very well. But he has to talk to him sometime right? He is his dad."

"I wouldn't know much about that," he replied. He didn't know where the bitterness in his voice had come from. He didn't know why he'd said anything at all.

Zoe was giving him a concerned look and he felt bad so he elaborated. "Sorry, I d-didn't mean to...my dad left my family when I was little."

"I'm sorry Evan."

He shrugged. "It's whatever."

"No it's not. That's really shitty Evan."

He smiled slightly. "Yeah it is."

It took Connor 18 minutes to talk to his father. When he came back his hands were shaking and he looked pale. he gave Zoe her phone back and snapped at her when she asked if there was something wrong. She didn't seem phased. 

The party was winding down. "I can drive you home if you want," Connor said tightly. 

"Alright," he replied, not daring to ask if he was okay. Connor's fists were clenched at his sides and it looked like his fingernails were digging into the flesh of his palms.

The ride back to Evans place was silent. Doubt and nervousness twisted in the pit of his stomach. It had been such a great day up until now. Then again maybe it was all just in Evan's head. 

"I'm sorry I fucked things up right at the end," Connor said finally. His eyes were trained on the road. 

"You didn't," he cut in. "Zoe said things weren't great with your dad so I get it. I'm n-not gonna blame you for family s-stuff coming up."

Connor let out a breath. "Still, I wanted things to be all good today."

"Things are never all good with me. I don't expect that from you." Connor looked over at him. 

"You have secrets Garden Boy?"

"If crippling anxiety counts as a secret then yeah."

Connor laughed. "My dad and I just don't see eye to eye."

"On what?"

Connor seemed to consider this for a moment.

"You know like when you feel sick but you don't look sick and someone doesn't believe you?" He began. "So you think maybe if you just throw up right where they can see it they'll believe you and since you want to be believed so much you don't go get medicine or drink tea to make you feel less nauseous. You just wait until it gets so bad that you do throw up. And afterward you feel good because now the person can't deny that you're sick. It's right in front of them. But you also feel bad because you're still sick. You were always sick even if he didn't see it." Connor ran a hand through his hair. "I spent a lot of time trying to prove how sick I was to my dad."

"That sounds exhausting." Maybe he had more in common with Connor Murphy than he realized. 

"It is."

They'd reached Evan's place and it had started raining, a torrential downpour that seemed to come out of nowhere. After a futile search in the backseat for an umbrella, Connor said he'd brave the rain with him and walk him to the porch.

"Thanks," Connor repeated. His hair was plastered to his forehead from the rain. He was very close. 

"You're welcome," Evan said. He felt himself leaning in. God, did he want to kiss Connor Murphy. What would it be to kiss a boy like him in the rain? With Evan's luck he might cut his lip on his braces. 

"I should go," Connor said, and Evan stopped leaning. "I'll call you," he added. There was water dripping down his nose. He wasn't going to kiss him. 

"Okay. Bye," he said dumbly. He felt like Connor's rotting cactus. He watched him get back in his car and drive away. It smelled like earth the way it always did when it rained but tonight it wasn't comforting. He waited until he could tug the disappointment off of his face before he went inside. His feet swam in his damp socks. Things were never all good.


	2. Flowers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe Connor Murphy wasn't like a cactus.

 Connor was gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles were white. It was still pouring. He leaned forward to see through the windshield, wipers working frantically.  He felt dumb and angry and tired and like he was in high school again. And that was never a good feeling. Evan had leaned in like he wanted to kiss him. Connor knew it and he'd chickened out anyway. He really was just a wimp. He was just a brace faced loser who was too pitifully rooted in the past to kiss a cute boy who wanted to kiss him. 

Zoe was seated on the couch with Alana's head in her lap when he got back to their place. He must have looked as bad as he felt because Zoe frowned at him. "Was Dad that bad?" She said. "Did the call screw things up with Evan?"

Yes. But he didn't want to say it aloud. Saying it meant admitting, again that he was still an overemotional fuckup. Great, add that to the list: wimp, coward, brace faced loser, cactus killer, and overemotional fuckup. It was quite the resume. 

"I don't know what's going to happen between me and Evan," he said instead. 

"What do you mean?" Alana asked from her spot in her girlfriend's lap. 

"Yeah, Evan's a delight."

"When I walked him to his door he leaned in like he wanted to kiss me....but after the call with Dad I..."

"Fuck Dad," Zoe interrupted. "It's okay Con, you'll kiss him next time. 

"If there's a next time," he mumbled. Evan was probably too nice for him anyway. He didn't deserve someone like that. He didn't deserve sunshine and smiles and collections of plants on makeshift shelves. He didn't deserve boys who liked his braces and laughed at his jokes and knew what it was like to feel alone. 

"There will be," Zoe said. 

Connor waited before he called again. He maintained Harold the cactus diligently and thought about what he should say. 

Hey Evan, sorry I was too bogged down in my past failures to kiss you. Do you want to go out again?

God, no. He should just pretend it didn't happen like:

Hi Evan, remember me? I haven't killed my cactus yet. I know I'm a downer but do you wanna spend more time with me?

Shit, that sounded bad too. He couldn't bring himself to be optimistic. 

Maybe this was one of those times he needed his sister. It was late, but he got up anyway and went to her room and knocked gently on the door. 

They hadn't been close before he tried to end it. He'd hurt her in ways he couldn't forgive himself for. Before rehab and therapy and countless conversations and years of healing, Zoe had been a stranger to him. Now she was everything. 

"Come in," she called tiredly. He could see sleep at the edges of her eyes when he crossed the dark room. She scooted to one side of the bed and held out her arms for him. He accepted, back pressed to her chest, and breath timed with hers. 

They did this sometimes. Sometimes she knocked on his door. They were good at calming each other when nothing seemed calm. 

"What's wrong?" She whispered. "Do you want to talk or do you just want to be quiet for a bit?"

"I haven't really dated," he said, voice small and strange in the silence. "I...um, it's still hard to be happy.  I know that sounds fake and fucked up but..."

"It doesn't."

He felt a knot in his chest come undone. "I...uh. I know I just met him and shit but it feels I don't know...important? I guess? Like if I can be good at this then maybe I really am moving forward."

"You're moving forward Con. You have been for a while. It's okay to have set backs. Set backs are a part of life."

He laughed nervously and shook his head. "Sometimes I don't want to keep going." Sometimes the voice in his head telling him that no one liked him and that he'd never be enough won. Sometimes he wanted to kill his cactus. 

Zoe squeezed him, burying her face in his back. "It's okay. It's all going to be okay someday." He wasn't sure he believed it but he nodded anyway. 

"I'm proud of you no matter what you choose," she said. "But I think that if you like him you should call him."

"And say what? If I were him I wouldn't want to go out with me. 

"Well then I guess it's good that you're not him. You should ask him to join us at the lake next weekend. That's fun and Alana and I will be there so it's low pressure."

"Alright," he mumbled. "I'll think about it."

"Good," she said. "You do that." She was warm and soft and nights like this he felt close to her in a way he thought would never happen. Things had been so shitty for so long this felt like a goddamn miracle. 

"Goodnight Connor."

"Night Zoe."

The next day he called. Evan picked up on the second ring. "Hey! How are you? I mean why did you call? I mean, not that I don't want you to call I just thought you weren't after the party...not that I didn't have fun. I had fun and I uh...Connor why don't you just start talking?"

"Hi Evan," he said. 

"Hi Connor."

"I wanted to ask if you'd want to come to the lake with Zoe, Alana, and I. We're going to make a day of it, swimming, and picnicking and whatnot. I understand if you're not about the lake," he stumbled over his words. "Or if you're uh, if you're not about spending any more time with me. I get it so don't feel bad about saying..."

"I like you Connor," Evan interrupted. "I was hoping you'd call. That's what I was trying to say."

"Oh," Connor said stupidly. Then he repeated it. "Oh."

"When are we going to the lake?" He asked gently. 

"Uh, Sunday. I can pick you up again. We were thinking of leaving around noon."

"That's fine with me. Sh-should I bring anything? I mean besides my general swim stuff?"

"Alana popped our beach ball. You don't happen to have one do you?"

"I do!" He replied enthusiastically, and then, perhaps realizing the extent of that enthusiasm, repeated himself more calmly. "Yeah, I do."

"Hell yeah, okay bring that. I'll see you Sunday then?"

"Yeah, see you then Connor."

Evan Hansen met him on the patio with a predictably blue striped t-shirt, adorably palm tree patterned swimming trunks, sunscreen that hadn't been fully rubbed in on his nose, and the promised beach ball. 

It was sunny, and hot in a sticky way that reminded Connor of Fourth of July parties at his grandparents house: watermelon juice on Zoe's face, aggressive allergies from all the pollen, and someone (usually him) getting angry about something and stalking off to climb a tree or (when he was older) smoke pot while he walked around the block of manicured lawns and American flag adorned houses. 

"You've got a little sunscreen on your nose," he grinned. Evan quickly brushed the white smear away, blushing. "Alright, we're good to go then. Zoe made sandwiches and we've got lemonade and cookies in the cooler. I'm driving so you can take shot gun if you want?"

"O-okay," Evan said. He climbed in after Connor and Zoe and Alana greeted him warmly. Zoe suggested they play whatever music Evan wanted and after some brief, embarrassed, protesting he agreed to plug his phone in. 

Evan liked love songs it seemed: bubbly, poppy, sweet love songs and his ears were burning pink when Connor turned to smile at him and compliment his music taste. It took them half an hour to get to the lake. Zoe and Alana were playing an intense round of the license plate game in the back seat while Evan stared out at the trees they passed. 

"How'd you get so into plants?" Connor asked, eyes trained on the road. 

"I um...I didn't really have friends in high school so I read a lot instead. And my mom got me this plant and tree ID book one year and after school I'd just walk around my neighborhood and identify different plants. It was kind of like having friends, knowing all the trees and flowers you know? I mean you probably don't because you probably had real friends or whatever. Anyway, I guess from there I started buying plants to take care of and then I joined my school's eco club because my mom wanted me to get involved and I realized that it was easier to talk to people if I was talking about plants or trees or gardening. Nature just makes me feel really calm. It's like...I don't know, like everything melts away."

"That's really cool Evan," he said sincerely. "I wish I had something to make me calm." Zoe could, sometimes, when he fought the impulse to snap at her or when it was late at night and he was too tired to be angry. The breathing exercises he'd been taught in therapy helped when he really worked at them. But nothing made everything melt away. When his brain wanted his blood, or tears, or violence his brain usually won. 

"You mean you aren't at peace when you're grilling?" Evan joked. 

Connor laughed and punched him lightly on the shoulder. "Shut up Plant Boy."

***

Evan was fixated on the way the stray pieces of Connor's hair that weren't secured in his bun stuck to his neck and curled with his sweat. It was probably a bad thing to be blushing about how a boy's hair looked when he was sitting right next to him, but this was the situation in which Evan had found himself. 

Evan stared out at the trees to keep from staring at Connor Murphy. Before he knew it he was dozing off with his face pressed against the window. 

"Hey Evan?" Evan's head shot up and he nearly knocked foreheads with Connor but stopped just before he did, their faces perilously close. He flushed. God he was so sweaty. Was he always this sweaty? 

"You ready?" Connor smiled wide and Evan's gaze caught on his braces again. Evan didn't consider himself a violent person but he'd gladly punch every boy who'd made Connor feel ashamed of them. 

"Yeah."

Alana and Zoe set up the cooler and lawn chairs and Connor grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the water. "Do you swim a lot?"

"My mom used to take Jared and I to the pool in the summer when we were kids. He always tried to talk me into going off the diving board but I was too scared."

Connor laughed. "Me too. I don't like feeling like I'm falling." Evan knew that feeling. When so much felt out of your control you couldn't let yourself give up anything more, even if it was just the feeling of your bare feet on the concrete of the public pool. 

"C'mon," Connor said. He pulled off his shirt and threw it in the sand. His chest was pale and his shoulders were broad and sharp. He had some scars on his arms that he covered up by crossing them for a moment. When Evan didn't say anything he uncrossed them and sucked in a breath. "I uh...do you wanna go in?" 

"Yeah, he said. He thought maybe he should say something about how he didn't care about the scars just like he didn't care about the braces or the way he crumbled after a phone call from his dad. He had a bone that would never feel quite right and a dad who didn't bother calling. He had an obsessively large plant collection and a stutter that got worse the more nervous he was. He thought maybe he and Connor could understand each other. 

But he couldn't think of anything to say and the sunlight was catching in the stray curls that fell out of his bun. Connor took his hands and walked him into the cold water. Evan laughed and so did Connor and then he was up to his waist in the cold murkiness and Connor was daring him to go under and then they both were. Connor's hair was stuck to his forehead and Evan coughed when he accidentally swallowed some lake water.  They swam for awhile. Alana and Zoe joined them and they played a few rousing rounds of Marco Polo (in one of which Evan ended up inadvertently hugging Connor.) He and Connor got tired first and headed to shore to start on the sandwiches while Alana and Zoe giggled and tossed the beach ball back and forth. They were kind of adorable. 

"Is PB&J okay?" Connor asked, towel draped around his shoulders. 

"It's perfect, thanks." He took the sandwich gratefully and Connor sat down on the lawn chair beside him. Evan's eyes burned a little from the water and he felt the the sun tingling on his skin which meant it was time to reapply sunscreen. His mom had always been a stickler about proper sunscreen application. 

Connor tucked the towel so it covered the scars up his arms and took a bite of his own sandwich. Evan knew he had to say something. It would just bother him if he didn't. 

"Hey...c-can I tell you something?"

"Sure," Connor leaned toward him. "Speak your mind Plant Boy."

"Okay, um...I don't u-usually tell p-people about this out of the b-blue but I have the feeling that maybe you'll understand a little and I t-trust you so...anyway, when I was in high school I tried to kill myself by letting myself fall out of a tree. But I uh...I mean obviously it didn't work and I just broke my arm. I g-guess the diving board thing is kind of dumb in hindsight. I um..like I said I don't go around just telling people that but I l-like you so I thought you should know before we get any closer or whatever. Assuming you still want to..."

"Of course I still want to," he cut in. "I'm sorry high school was that shit. And I'm glad your still here Evan." He let the towel fall down his back and rubbed his hands down his arms nervously, looking down. "I mean I know you probably noticed the scars. I went through a similar thing. And uh, I'm recovering but it's always hard."

"Um..." Connor met his eyes and Evan was nervous again. "Y'know trees keep growing even when assholes carve things into their skin...er bark. They're not just fixed but they uh...they keep growing and changing and moving forward. I mean not literally moving forward cause they're trees I g-guess it would be m-moving upward but what I'm..."

"Thanks Evan," Connor put a hand on his knee. "Really, thank you."

"You don't have to..."

"Is it okay if I hug you?" Connor's eyes looked kind of teary but he was blinking wildly to hide it. 

"It's okay." Connor's skin was warm despite the cold of the lake water. He held on tight and Evan was conscious of his face in Connor's mess of hair and the scent of sunscreen. He wanted to kiss him. Maybe Connor wasn't like a cactus. Maybe he was like a peony: fragrant and soft and able to make him smile. When Connor pulled away Evan felt stupid in the way his face flushed and fingers quivered. 

"Do you want a cookie?" Connor asked. "We should also put on more sunscreen. I don't know about you but I burn. Zoe gets all tan and I just look like a tomato."

Before, when he'd told people the truth about the day he broke his arm it made things weird. His mom had cried and spent more time at home. Jared had been weirdly nice to him for weeks until Evan told him to stop. This time things were normal. Connor just hugged him and offered him a cookie like it was no big deal. Oh God, if the past could just stay in the past. Things were better with time, but sometimes Evan got impatient. 

Evan tried to keep his staring at Connor Murphy more covert on the way back but it was hard when he was so smiley and his nose was sunburned. Connor caught him a couple times but he just laughed and Evan's chest felt lighter. The sun was setting when they dropped him off. Alana and Zoe waved from the backseat as Connor walked him to the door. 

"Goodnight Plant Boy." Maybe Evan would always think of flowers when he saw him: big, beautiful blooms in vibrant reds and pinks. 

"Goodnight. I'll see you at the greenhouse okay?"

"Okay," Evan said. He felt tired and dreamy and ridiculously happy. 

"Okay," Connor repeated. He smiled one last time and then turned to leave. 

Jared was still up, seated on the couch watching Undercover Boss and wearing a green face mask and headband to keep his hair out of the goop. He was eating cheese balls. 

"Sup Ev?"

"Hey," Evan replied, leaning against the door frame. 

"How was your date with the emo kid?"

"His name is Connor and he's lovely."

Jared laughed obnoxiously. "Here, come watch the Steak and Shake CEO fuck up a milkshake."

He did, and they sat in relative silence until Evan's eyelids started to droop. 

"Take care of yourself okay Evan? If this new guy hurts you I'll..." he cleared his throat and when Evan looked over at him he looked embarrassed. Jared stuffed a handful of cheese balls in his mouth. 

"Thanks Jared. I'll be fine."

He nodded reluctantly and turned his attention back to the CEO floundering with the fryer. 

***

Evan looked at peace in the herb section. Connor watched him pick up a thyme plant and inspect it closely. He smoothed his hair out his face and approached him carefully. 

"Harold's not dead yet just so you know."

"Good," Evan replied, nose crinkling when he smiled. "How are you?"

"Bored, do you wanna hang out when you get off? I'll get you ice cream." He was trying to sound casual and doing a poor job of it. 

"Okay, I get off at six though." 

"I'll be back."

Evan got a strawberry shake which was kind of the cutest thing ever. After, they drove out to the forest and Connor confessed that he wanted to see the kind of calm Evan talked about. The sun was setting when they got there. 

"Can I ask you something Evan?"

"Sh-sure."

"Why did you choose an um...oh god this is a weird and invasive question I shouldn't just..." he felt his face flush and suddenly felt very panicked. 

"N-no its okay just ask me," Evan said gently. 

"Why a tree? Why not something away from what you love?"

"I um..." Evan looked down and Connor's mentally kicked himself for making things weird. He just couldn't keep from fucking up. 

"I didn't really plan it until I was up in the tree. I guess up so high it started to hit me that my only friends were plants and that's so p-pathetic so I-I don't know. I wanted to go back to the earth. I felt alone. I felt so alone and so small."

"You're not pathetic. And you're not alone Evan," he said haltingly. 

Evan bit his lip. "Hey look, the sun's setting."

"Do you want to see my room?" He blurted. C'mon Murphy you idiot. Stop asking weirdo questions. 

"Okay."

***

Connor's room was small and relatively empty. Harold the cactus was in the windowsill and a pile of records and accompanying player were tucked in one corner. His bed was unmade and ceiling had a mess of glow in the dark stars stuck to it. 

"I like your room," he said. Connor shrugged. 

"It's not much."

Connor Murphy still made him think of flowers. His room smelled like nail polish and lemon air freshener. 

"Thanks for coming over."

"Thanks for having me."

Connor sucked in a breath. "I'm probably not better than a plant friend. I'm more work. And I say dumb shit sometimes. And I'm kind of a coward but...I'm happy you've stuck around this far. I think you make me calm."

Evan's chest ached. Flowers. He imagined a peony behind his ear. "I think you're better than plants. I have fun every time I'm with you. I say things I'm afraid to say. We haven't known each other long but I feel like I've known you my whole life. I'm sorry that sounds so cheesy and dumb. I mean...I'm pretty ch-cheesy and dumb but I don't want you to know that that's so weird...I," he stopped and took a step toward Connor. Mom was always saying that sometimes you just had to take what you wanted. He leaned in and kissed Connor Murphy right on the mouth. He was so nervous he was afraid he might miss. He was about to melt into a puddle when Connor started kissing him back. His arm curled around the small of Evan's back. He relaxed into it. Flowers and fireworks. Flowers and fireworks and Connor Murphy's braces catching on his lip. He yelped. 

"I'm sorry!"

"No I'm sorry I should've been more careful!"

"Do you want to date Evan?"

"Yes! Yes, I do."

"Cool." Connor smiled. He still loved the braces. He could feel his lip bleeding but he wanted to kiss him again anyway. 

"I'm sorry I didn't kiss you the first time."

"It's okay. It was worth the wait." He looked at Harold in the windowsill. "You picked the best cactus. I knew it would work out."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya! Sorry this took so long. Hope you like it. I'll be back with more DEH nonsense soon.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to the self indulgent vessel for all of my Connor Murphy headcanons! This was supposed to be a oneshot but then it got real long (oops). Thanks for reading/commenting. I'm active thanks to ur support.


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